(not that you would care, or get to read this, or anything)
I don’t know to whom I am supposed to write this to: the boy I fell in love with, the soul that I saw, the person whom he was supposed to grow into, or to the one he has become.
But as always, I will start this: I love you.
But that isn’t really true anymore (because I found out saying you’re despicable will be an understatement) so instead, I will say, I loved you.
And I remember.
Before we decided to pursue different careers, we told each other that we need to grow into the persons that we needed to be, but there are boundaries as to what the other can handle. These deal breakers were non-negotiable. We can’t stop each other from pursuing whatever these deal breakers were, it will simply mean WE won’t make it.
MY deal-breaker included memberships with fraternities. While I have friends who are members of frats, I cannot bear having to deal with someone I love join one. I always viewed frats as an unnecessary display of unfounded loyalty.
To the boy I fell in love with:
You, with your sweet, gentle, beautiful soul, I believed, should not join one. Your intense need of approval from people, paired with your insecurity of never being enough, just a little over a year after you had your mental breakdown — you cannot and should not be around people whom you have to prove your loyalty to by going through some physical or mental form of frat-related violence; after all, they haven’t proved their end of the bargain to you.
To the soul I had the chance to know:
You spent most of your life trying to prove your worth to your family, to your teachers, to your peers. I wrapped myself in your sadness as you bared your soul to me. I listened to your pain, and your anguish, and your confusion as you tried to prove your worth. You never heard me when I told you you never had to. Your thirst for approval broke you, but you didn’t know anything else, and your soul cannot accept love and friendship in their truest form. I tried my best to fix what was broken, but you hold the glue to keep yourself together, and there was nothing else I could have done but watch you tear yourself apart for people who were not worth it.
To the person you were supposed to grow into:
You were supposed to be kind, and compassionate, and intelligent. You were supposed to be both science and art, and you were supposed to learn you don’t have to prove yourself to be given the kind of love you deserve. You were supposed to know that admiration and idolism are not the same as love and passion, and you were supposed to grow. You’re stuck. You still are. People who get stuck eventually have move forward or else they fall down. You’re falling. Spectacularly.
I used to put you on a pedestal. Today, I just wish I buried you six feet under.
To the person you have become:
I tried. I tried not to let the frat thing be a deal breaker. I texted you every single day during your initiation that I loved you. That you didn’t have to go through with it. That you should get out if you want to. I don’t know if you even got the messages, but you went through with it. I tried for it not to be a deal-breaker. I really did. But I stick to what I believe, and in my eyes, you were no longer the same.
We stayed together for some time after, but you were no longer the person I knew. You were arrogant, and self-important, and for the first time since I’ve known you, you were… entitled.
Your beliefs took a turn for the worse. Suddenly, we were talking about what constitutes as cheating even though you had more stringent views on relationships than I ever did. We understood what we wanted our future to look like but suddenly were arguing about what my role as a female should be in our theoretical future family. And I have been there for you when your weak ass cried every night for months, but when I was going through something, you were ranting about how your needs are always more important than my own.
This wasn’t the same person who wanted me to grow into the person I needed to be by supporting my decisions. This wasn’t the same person who told me to be selfish for a change, because I was always taking care him before I took the time to take care of myself. This wasn’t the person who admired my strength, but rather, despised it.
I loved you through all that because I would have made every excuse to explain your words and your behavior. I would blame the world, the sun, and the fucking universe to justify how I felt for you, and how I still feel those things no matter how badly you treated me. But there are things that are bigger than me that I couldn’t explain anymore.
You said it is our fault as women if we get raped. I am not over this. I will not be over this. The person I loved respected women. The person I loved was protective of the women in his life without being condescending. The person I loved had love and kindness and compassion in his heart.
This repulsively disgusting, shameful, nauseating, misogynistic asshole of a bigoted bastard son of a bitch showed himself after he was initiated into his frat. No, you were not inducted into Upsilon, but I know where you stand in this issue, and you stand with these “frat boys” who have been left behind in the evolutionary process. I don’t know if you were lying to during the years we were together, or if you decided to follow this nauseating path as influenced by your frat, or if you just deteriorated as a person. But what I know is that you were not supposed to be this person that you are now.
You were supposed to be better.