There are three types of friends:
The true friends who will always be there for you, and who you know you can always talk to, even without saying a word. The comfortable friends who you’ve known your entire life, that time or distance can’t change how you are when you’re around each other. And finally, the friends who you love, but you’re not sure if you still want to keep.
The first two are easy enough: you know they will always have your back, and you know that no matter how long it’s been, they will not judge you for the things you do or say, because you’ve grown together in ways that nobody outside your bubbles will understand.
The third type is the more confusing one, because they too, could be part of those people who you knew since forever, or they were also your best friends at some point. But you realize that you’ve changed, or they’ve changed, and at the end of it, you realize that you’re not growing together anymore… you’re growing apart.
And you have to accept that at some point, it’s okay to let go.
One of the things that I realized after my ex and I broke up is that the disparity on how we take care of people are much too different, and too far apart, that the opposite poles don’t attract anymore.
He just threw everything about his relationships (with his friends, as well as with me) into the universe and trusted that even if he does not make an effort, if it’s real, it will work itself out. Even if he can’t spare time, or won’t make an effort to connect, he trusts that people who care about him enough will be okay with that, because if it’s real, it would not go away.
For me, it was different. I will take care of my relationships as much as I could, because if there’s anything that could turn what’s right into all kinds of wrong, it’s when you take people for granted. Because no matter how important you are to someone, if you can’t show them that, they will eventually feel alone, and if you have a friend who you abandoned enough to feel alone, then you’re not doing your part.
So where does this letting go thing fit into this sap story?
It is the sap story. I know more people who are more like my ex, and just as I’ve been so tired of taking care of that relationship, I am also tired of taking care of my relationships with everyone else.
I have my bad parts, I know that. But I also know, that despite my mean streak, or my “tanga” moments, or my really-just-evil ways, I have never been a bad friend. I’ve never told a friend that going to see him or her is an inconvenience when I know I’m needed, even if it actually was. I never purposefully stood someone up and made a lame excuse about it because I know I don’t want that done to me. I never told a friend to suck it when I know she needed a hug more, and I never hugged her when telling her to suck it up will do more good than a friend’s embrace.
Most of all, I tried my best not to make a friend feel abandoned, even when I was dealing of a shitload more.
So when my friends tell me that I have high standards on relationships, it’s really not the choice of people I fall in love with. I have high standards of relationships because I know what lengths I will go through for the people I love, and don’t call me in the bullshit that you should never expect in return because that’s being a doormat, and to be honest, being a doormat makes things so much worse because you accept that you’re taken advantage of and that’s not right on any level.
As for me, I’m letting go.
I am not going to push myself to be part of someone’s life if it means I’m going to be taken for granted. I am not going to let anyone hurt me the way I have been hurt before.
I am going to be cautious when it comes to trusting the people around me.
Because at the end of the day, I only have to take care of myself, what I do for others is not an obligation, it’s out of love and care.
And I will stop caring for those who won’t care.
In the end, let’s just say, it’s all about equivalent exchange.