Nine months. It took nine months to accept that my love life, or the nonexistence thereof, is the way it should be. It took me nine months to finally say I’m letting go, but here’s the thing, I may miss him a lot, but I may have let him go a long time ago without truly realizing it.
But now I can honestly swear that I’m over him and it. feels. wonderful.
Not that I don’t miss him from time to time because I still do, but you know what they say about first loves: they never die.
Here’s the thing though: Looking back on the past few months, I have actually been… happier. Which is weird, considering how I thought I lost the love of my life. But then, I finally decided to take a look back and here’s what I found:
1) I have a lot, and I mean a LOT of time to pursue the things I really want. There was a time when I forgot about my love for travel and spontaneity and reading and spending time alone because my world basically revolved around someone who I was trying to save when really, the only one who can save him is himself. It was exhausting trying to be someone’s own personal superhero to a bratty kid who thinks only of himself. And when his brattiness meets my own, let’s just say it’s not a pretty picture.
2) Being single is not that different from being in a long-distance relationship with someone who took what you had for granted, so really, nothing much has changed except for my Facebook relationship status. And also, that this time, I won’t have to worry about the text or call that never arrives because I don’t have to care if he passes out drunk or tries to off himself or whatever. It’s my life and it’s the only one I have to worry about, and with the things I want to do, my own problems are the only ones I want to deal with right now.
3) The dreams I had when I was with someone actually limited the dreams I wanted to pursue. Sure, being a lawyer and having our little family would have been great, and reasonable, but what about seeing the world, among other things? I’ve always wanted to go backpacking or going on a spontaneous trip somewhere. I never got to do that because he kinda overdid on the worrying during that time he cared and almost always overstepped his bounds when I went on night outs with friends, there was no way I would have been able to say “hey, I want to go to this random place I’ve never been to, wanna come?” because he would have freaked. Besides, I knew what he was gonna reply anyway: “I’m too busy, not now, maybe in a few years when I get time off from being a ___ student/practicing professional.”
Well fuck you, too.
At least now, I can go anywhere I want to go without needing anyone’s permission (because I just basically tell my parents I plan on going somewhere. I’m an adult, I don’t have to ask them if I can or cannot do something, as long as it’s reasonable.)
4) I have a lot of friends that I lost track with and needed some reaching out to do. Because when I was in a relationship, he was a VERY jealous guy and gets wary when I’m around other guys. I’m a bro at heart, so as a respect to the relationship, I had to stop hanging out with my guy friends all the time, and that includes texting, chatting, or speaking with them over the phone. Well now I can, and I can even tell my guy friends I love them without having to worry if someone else will go cray-cray.
5) The causes that I fight for may have stemmed from my relationship with him, but my passion for these causes (tiger conservation, suicide prevention, mental disorder awareness, etc.,) are really the things that I want to fight for, because there are so many good things in the world, and I will fight for the people who can’t fight for themselves if I have to. And no, I don’t mean in a brainless activist for the sake of being an activist kind of way.
So what does letting go of your first love feel like?
Absolutely, amazingly exhilarating. Oh, and as a definitive proof, I listened to “our” song last week and I didn’t cry. I actually even sang to it and didn’t realize until halfway through that it was “our” song. HAH.
So why am I NOT dating?
Give me a break. After all the drama, I’d like to concentrate on “ME” again. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually having fun. 🙂