Six Years, Eight Months

I was re-watching “Breaking Bad” for the Nth time (don’t judge me, it was a really good series) and I came across the heartbreaking scene where Jesse was crying to Walt about the death of his girlfriend.


The scene somehow resonated with me so much, mainly because I know what it felt like to love someone more than anything — and then lose that person. I could only imagine what Jesse may have gone through, but the scene is still so real to me, and so I counted — It’s been six years, eight months, and two days, give or take a few, because the days melted together that time and I honestly had no idea whether I was crying over dead weight on a Monday or a Wednesday morning.

It’s been six years, eight months, and two days.

And I still remember everything from that day — what I wore, what he wore, what he took, what I saw, how I felt.

So hey, you, I know you’re still alive there somewhere. You may have been too dead to the world on the day you destroyed the happy in me, but I remember how I almost made a deal with the devil if only to keep you alive. Some things you can forget. Some things you just can’t get over.

This is the latter.


Various Artists – The Greatest Showman Soundtrack

Quirky Little World

The Greatest Showman Soundtrack Various Artists – The Greatest Showman Soundtrack | © Atlantic

ARTIST / BAND:Various Artists (Hugh Jackman, Keala Settle, Zac Efron, Zendaya, Michelle Williams, Loren Allred, etc)

This amazing soundtrack made my heart really happy when I watched “The Greatest Showman.” The opening song, The Greatest Show came out of nowhere and was totally unexpected, that I think my jaw was hanging open the first few minutes as the opening scene came on. Hugh Jackman remains a wonderful singer.

Because this is the soundtrack of a musical, the songs tell a story. From chasing dreams, to finding acceptance, to defining happiness, to fighting against all odds – there is something here for everyone to relate to. It is beautiful and heartbreaking and empowering all at the same time. I can’t pick a favorite song, although I really love the first track because of its impact.


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Hello! :)

Things have been hectic.

I’ve been rethinking my life since summer, and I decided that I need a change in pace.

I needed to take chances.

I decided that the first thing I should do is to change my career. I did not particularly like my old job, but I loved the opportunities it gave me and I liked my immediate supervisor, which is why it was a bit difficult for me to leave. Yet, I followed through with applying for other companies and I landed a marketing job in the food and wine industry.

That being said, I spent a big part of the year job hunting, interviewing, getting my affairs in order as I turned over my old job to my replacement, and then adjusting to my new job, which is quite different, but one that I am loving so far.

I needed to let go. 

I didn’t know how much two people can change until I saw it for myself. There is nothing more scarring than seeing the person who meant the world to you for the first time since the last time.

Oh God, more times than I can count, I played in my head what to say to him the next time I see him, but when I finally did (for the first time in nearly four years) all I could do was give him the biggest hug I could muster as I congratulated him for finally making his dreams come true. I was so proud of what he achieved, but as the night went on, I realized that the person I loved was gone, and the person who sat next to me on that table was a stranger. And I bet he could say the same thing about me as well. ‘Lo and behold, I realized that night that the stranger that he has become is not someone I could even begin to consider ever being with. So that’s that. Finite.


I needed to do. 

My bucket list is filled with so many things for me to do, and I have checked them one by one, although I haven’t done as many as I wanted. But I am going on a trip in a few weeks — my first solo trip to another country, so it’s going to be an amazing experience.

Then there are other things, too. I started paying for a life insurance plan this year, which is such a big, adult step for me to take. I am also thinking of getting another health insurance or investing what little money I do have into a fund, but I am still looking into different companies to better evaluate my next step.

I needed to BE. 

Am I an extraordinary person? Not so much. But I am by no means ordinary, either — at least, as far as people around me believe. You cannot imagine how disappointing it has been when I found that people expected more from me than what I’ve shown the world so far. My family, my best friends, my former teachers all shared the same sentiment: I could do so much more.

So I’m trying be the person everyone else expects me to be. I’m trying to be the person I thought I will be. Aside from starting a new job, I am also co-spearheading the Cebu chapter of an organization that we hope we could launch in January. Then, my friends and I have been looking into doing a fundraiser for a friend’s mom, whose hospitalization and incurred medical costs are skyrocketing. Any suggestions for a fundraiser will be welcome (because we want to do as much as we can as fast as we can).

And this ends another random, narcissistic post from me to you.


Been Doing Yoga, BTW.

I have recently been doing yoga.

Yes, I’ve gone to a few sessions in the past. Yoga has always been some sort of “I really need a stretch” kind of thing for me. However, due to this “we need to get healthier” roll that my friends have going on, I have been focusing on something healthy, and that, for me, is Yoga. It started out pretty stressful, but soon, I started getting the kick out of it and I’m planning on maintaining the practice for as long as I can.

I think it’s because it is finally kicking me in the arse how tense and stressed I have been for the longest time. Yoga is supposed to be a form of meditation, but somehow when the Yogi says “relax your shoulders” I honestly didn’t know how to do it. Relaxing my shoulders while I’m in an excruciatingly weird pose just isn’t comfortable. I kept asking myself whether or not breaking my neck was an option.

Plus, the more the Yogi says “leave your thoughts behind” the more I worry about the lists in my planner: payment trackers, workload, schedules, you know, those random things.

However, over time, I’ve gotten better at the “relaxing” and “leave thoughts behind” part. I have even been writing less because lately, Yoga has been my way to cleanse my thoughts and relax. It works exactly only during the time in the week I’m in the studio, but considering how uptight and controlling I usually am, I am just glad I am able to let my thoughts go for a few moments and just concentrate on not falling off balance. I am not good with my balance in the first place, so even a Warrior III pose is a small victory for me.

Speaking of small victories:


Philippine Drug War: War of Morality

And yes, I will tackle injustice and your selective Christian values, so fight me.

Why is there malice in our cry for justice?

This world is not black and white, you’d think we’d know that by now.

We cry justice for Kian because he was killed without due process. He was gunned down by policemen who said he fought back, but with witnesses who said otherwise. Whether or not he was an actual drug dealer and runner does not make a difference in our cry: it is part of our right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty. He will never have the chance because they killed him without proof.

“But if he really had a gun, he would have killed the police!”

True. But as I learned, “self-defense” has a very strict definition. Article 11 of our Revised Penal Code clearly stated the circumstance when you can justify an act as self-defense. When your aggressor is already down, and you still keep attacking, it is already a form of retaliation, and retaliation is criminal. Kian was shot not once, but THREE times. Could you really believe someone who is shot in the head once is not “down” per se? The second and third shots were unnecessary. It was not self-defense on the policemen’s part, it was murder.

Read: Article 11:…/revised-penal-cod…/
Read: Review of Interpretation and explanation of Article 11:…/revised-penal-code-reviewer…

“Why don’t you cry for the victims of criminals like drug dealers and pushers the same way you are crying for Kian?”

Key word: victims of criminals. People who act against the law. People who are supposed to be punished, AFTER they are proven guilty, and rightly so. I don’t cry as loud for injustice because I put my trust in our justice system, in the people who will testify and judge him in court for the wrong that he’s done.

Key word: victims of criminals, who may or may not be in their right mind when doing unspeakable acts, but who deserve justice nonetheless. It is not up to the public to persecute them, it is up to the court. Justice is a double-edged sword, but the Philippines suspended the death penalty, so no matter how bad the things they’ve done, they are supposed to rot in jail for the crimes they committed, not die on the street as another statistic in a drug war.

Key word: victims of criminals. I do cry for these victims. I do so every day because as a woman, I am always on alert, thinking what I have in my bag that I can use as a weapon when I go home alone at night. I am always on edge whether the man who sat next to me with red-rimmed eyes and touching my thigh is unaware or harassing me. Because if I yell harassment, I may be the one blamed for what I am wearing or the way I am acting. Because I have to keep my mouth shut when someone catcalls me even though a million swear words are running in my mind. Because screaming inside is better than being beaten up or dead.

Key word: victims of criminals. I mourn for them, their loved ones, and their families, but be the bigger person. Forgive those who hurt you and let God and justice punish them accordingly. Their fate is not in your civilian, all too-human hands.

“So why scream for a boy who may or may not be a drug addict, and who may or may not have deserved what happened to him?”

BECAUSE HE’S A BOY. Because he has a future ahead of him. How perfect were you when you were 17? How many people did you do wrong, did you ask forgiveness from, did you make amends with? How many stupid things did you do that you are now ashamed of for doing? How many people did you hurt unknowingly? How different were you then?

BECAUSE HE WAS A BOY who could have had the chance to turn things around. But he wasn’t given that chance.

“What about victims of criminals, were they ever given the chance?”

Again, key word: victims of criminals. No, they didn’t get the chance. But we already tackled criminals getting what they deserve. The bigger question is if we don’t trust that the court will give due justice to these criminals, then isn’t the problem bigger than criminals vs. victims? Isn’t the problem with our branches of government?


Fuck you too, but I am not putting this on the president. If we don’t trust that the purveyors of justice and peace can do their jobs, then this is a problem not even the president could fix. This is not a problem we can fix overnight, but this is not a problem rooted on drugs, drug pushers, drug manufacturers, and drug addicts alone. This is not a political war, it’s a war among ourselves.

This is a problem of immorality and corruption from the people who are supposed to protect us from exactly these things. And if you’re okay with killing a boy, then maybe you should question your own morality too because only someone so jaded could ever think it’s okay to kill a child, and it borders on criminal when people think “collateral damage” is okay.

“It’s a drug WAR, moron. Wars always have collateral damage.”

Very true. But your lack of compassion if you believe this is astounding. Think for a second. If you sat in a jeep and ended up being next to a drug addict you didn’t know operations have been following for a while, it’s not your fault. But if said drug addict is gunned down and the bullet hit you instead, you would have been that collateral damage.

If your teenage son makes a wrong turn from school one night and ends up being gunned down in the middle of a raid in what is considered a “bad” part of town, he will be collateral damage. And don’t tell me you would NEVER allow your son in those places because teenagers have minds of their own, and you are never sure where they are most of the day. Even if you say you’re getting him bodyguards, he will and CAN makes plans to escape them if he wants to.

The next collateral damage could be your father, mother, sister, brother, friend, loved one. All because they could have been in the VICINITY of the wrong person at the wrong time. And God forbid someone frames you by putting drugs in your bag without your knowledge. Would you be okay of being killed because of drugs you didn’t even know you have? Don’t you want to be given the chance to prove yourself?

So why can’t you extend these sympathies to Kian and the thousand others who were killed without due process? Why can’t you give sympathy for people who may be peddling drugs to survive? Why can’t you give chances to children who could have the chance to turn their lives around?

Getting killed by criminals is different than being killed by people who are supposed to protect us from criminals. Criminals break the law, police officers are supposed to uphold the law. Criminals deserve to be jailed, justice officers are supposed to make sure that they get the jail time that they deserve and don’t die prematurely in the process.

And if you tell me one more time criminals deserve to die, tough luck, asshole, we don’t have death penalty in the Philippines. We don’t have death penalty the same way abortion is illegal and birth control is not encouraged — because the Philippines supposedly upholds Christian values where we believe we cannot play God with the lives of people.

So if you tell me you’re okay with this drug war, and the collateral damage that came with it, but you think abortion and using birth control is wrong, then you seriously have to rethink your choices in life, and stop pretending they are rooted in religion, because being okay with one thing but not the other makes you a privileged hypocrite, and frankly, God is unhappy with you either way.