Some Friends Are Not For Keeps, And It’s Okay

So, I have not updated for awhile because I had many issues to deal with, but I’m done being quiet about this particular one especially since people are spreading bad things about me and my friends.

Here’s the thing. I admit to being judgmental as a person. I don’t like people who try too hard, I am not fond of people who lack class, and I dislike manipulation.

A few months ago, I had a friend who was in trouble. While I was there to look after her in times of need, I started noticing that she’s been using her situation to manipulate people into doing things the way she wants them done. I asked her parents, her boyfriend, her best friends about this, and they all said the same thing: she has been using her situation so that none of us can say no to her.

While I believe that sometimes people make up lies to get what they want, pushing others to do their bidding by blackmailing them every single time can get a bit old, especially when in the end, it’s her life anyway, and her life dangling on a thread, being used to make us do what she wants us to do.

Oh, and when I was busy dealing with the fact that I’ve been sick, on top of the fact a good friend of mine died, she went ahead to tell me that I was a bad friend for putting myself before her, considering how bad things have been. Sure, never mind that I’ve been in and out of the hospital for checkups and tests, and never mind that I lost someone I cared for, as long as I look after her, right?

She went on sending me angry text messages and chats designed to make me feel guilty. She even tried to get her friends to turn on me but when they refused, she turned on them instead.

Here’s the deal: I did not feel guilty for putting myself first. Truth be told, her constant “woe is me” stories and emotional blackmails made it easier for me to let her go as a friend. I do not need toxic people in my life, and she’s as toxic as toxic gets.

So let me cut the bull: I am a good friend: very protective, fiercely loyal, and intensely caring. I do not appreciate people who speak ill of me or my friends, especially when that person is a lying, manipulative little b**ch who tries to blackmail people around her just so that she can feel loved and get the attention she so unhealthily craves.

I don’t need toxic people. And the truth is, neither do you. Not all friends are for keeps. So if you have a friend who lies and tries to manipulate you, and emotionally blackmails you just so that she will get things her way, let her go.

You deserve better.


For Adrian

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.” ― Mitch Albom

There are some people who can make a big impact in your life no matter how short the time you got to know them.

I met Adrian (who shall henceforth be known as Boss, because that’s how I always knew him) in 2011, a few months after I graduated from college. The first thing he said after greeting everyone a good 6AM morning that day we met was “pareha man mong duha ug aping oi,” to me and to my then-boyfriend. Roughly translated: “Both of you have the same cheeks.”

Then he proceeded on teasing us that we looked so much alike, we look incestuous. Back then it took me aback. I knew the guy for the whole of three seconds before he started making, what in my opinion, were rather inappropriate jokes.

But as the day wore on, I learned that it was the just the way he was: he said things straight to your face, and it’s all in good jest. And it’s only been four years, but heck, since then, he’s been one hell of a friend.

June 2011

The day I met Adrian, after our trip to Simala pre-Nursing Board Exams, Carcar, June 2011

Boss is one of those rare gems that can’t help but amaze you. He’s one smart son-of-a-gun but heck, he can party like no other. He’s gruff and no-nonsense, and eloquent and sweet at the same time. He would give you a smack if he thought you deserved it, but he never hesitated to give you a hug when you needed it, either. The truth is, Boss was layers and layers of beautiful complexities that we couldn’t even begin to scratch, and that’s perfectly fine.

What amazed me most of all was that he was so young, yet he inspired so many with his commanding presence and leadership, and his fierce, fierce friendship. This, coming from someone who knew him all of four very short years.

Boss, I’m never going to be able to share as many stories about you as your friends can. But friendship like yours is golden, and I am very thankful for having the honor of getting to know you. So thank you.

Simala 2011

Simala 2011

Thank you for being there to give us reality checks when our heads were too far up in the clouds.

Thank you for allowing us to rant and cry, then for telling us to suck it up and move on.

Thank you for sharing tidbits of wisdom, you were wise beyond your years.

Thank you for refusing to give in to too much drama, and thank you for supporting us all the same.

Thank you for being a brother, a friend, a confidant, an inspiration.

Thank you for being you.

Rest In Peace, Boss. You will always be remembered, and you will always be loved.

Our next few drinks (or more), we will toast to you.

Sinulog 2013

Sinulog 2013

We will see you soon.

Ten Things 20-Somethings Do That Drive Mr. Darcy Away

Meet Mr. Darcy:


He is a beautiful, wealthy man who loves you most ardently. He declares his feelings for you in the rain.  He’s a complex person who make you weak in the knees. He’s not dumb like Romeo. He’s perfect.

This is Christian Grey:


He’s also beautiful and wealthy, but he only wants you for sex. And weird sex at that. He also is vulgar with his money. And he expects you to do his bidding. He is therefore, irrelevant.

Browsing through my social networks, I noticed that I have actual friends who would probably attract more Christian Greys than Mr. Darcys, most of them single and making it clear on the internet that they would rather not be anymore.

Being more of girl friend than a girlfriend (I am one of the boys, if you can believe that) I have years of insight from the males of the species what they want for a serious girlfriend. Sure, being pretty is top of the list, but a serious, they-actually-want-to-be-with-you-in-the-long-run kind of girlfriend is a different thing from someone they just want to date once or twice.

I asked some guys I know for help (they’re in post-grad, working on their careers, single and looking for serious relationships, in serious (more than 3-years-long) relationships, etc…

Anyway, here are some things you may have been doing that’s driving your 21st-century Mr. Darcy away.

(Note: If you’d want a Christian Grey, I’m not sure this is helpful though.)

1) Selfies are cute from time to time, but having too many of them can be annoying.

Jace said: True. The more exposed it is, the worth declines.

John said: False. Selfies are never cute.

Mark: Only take selfies on special ocassions, like if there’s something amazing or great.

Steve said: More than one a day is too much.

David said: Thrice a week might be fine.

(Yes, they have a lot to say about the selfies.)

2) Do not chronicle your life story on Facebook. There’s Twitter and Tumblr for that.

John said: False, Personal Drama should never be on the internet. Find a friend.

Pio said: Get an actual diary for urgent rants

Miguel said: It’s annoying when they post even about minute details, they are not celebrities.

Pride and Prejudice: “Mary wished to say something very sensible, but knew not how.”

3) “Sexy” photos — wearing only a towel, underwear, skimpy sleepwear, skimpy clothes in general, duckfaces, etc — should not be on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram… there are porn sites for that.

Glenn Said: It’s not necessarily porn sites, they can go to dating sites.

Jace said: Wearing something like a guy can rent overnight will make you worthless.

4) Guys can smell desperation from a mile away. Those excessive single and happy posts, “sexy” poses, I’m fat / I’m ugly posts, etc., will not make them like you.

John said: Some guys will prey on that desperation.

Jace said: Those posts are super turn-offs.

5) Guys tend to flock toward easy girls, you’d know if you’re in the easy category based on the way the guys invest in you.

David said: If she’s easy to get, she’s easier to let go.

Pio said: Only stupid guys dig easy girls.

6) Dressing up is a plus, but there’s a thin line between being properly sexy and being slutty. (General rule is pick only one part to expose: either the cleavage, midriff, or legs, more than that is too much.)

John said: Let people know who you are based on what you can say rather than what you can look like.

7) Posting photos of yourself and captioning it with “I’m fat” or “I’m ugly” etc., does not gain you points. They know when you’re just fishing for compliments.

Glenn said: When they do give you compliments, that does not automatically mean they’re flirting with you.

Jace said: It shows that you’re an attention whore and if you’re fat and not doing anything about it, it’s your fault, you are in charge of your body after all.

8) “Marriage” and “future” talks are scary topics. Wait at least six months before bringing it up, or better yet, wait for him to bring it up first.

John said: Talk about the right things to the right people at the right time.

Mark said: Very (with emphasis) true.

Jace said: If it’s too early, it’s creepy and causes the men to run away.

Don said: I actually ran away from this.

9) There is such as thing as bad publicity /  negative attention. Guys who want to date long-term don’t want to get the negative.

Zee said: Example, those girls who talk to loud just to make a guy glance their way.

10) Confidence is key: Insecure girls are not long-term material because the drama just isn’t worth it.

Jace said: The endless loop of drama and desperation will kill you both off.

Pio said: There are cute insecure ones, apart from the aggressive, vile ones. If you get the former, nourish them, love them.

(I’m not sure what he wants to say about the aggressive, vile ones, though. And I guess they have their own limitations about the cuteness of insecurities)

On other notes:

Josh said: You get what you deserve, so take time to reflect what lacks in you so that you won’t use your relationship just to feel good about yourself.

Clark said: In the end, I still look at the over-all package: Looks AND personality.

Of course, girls probably won’t agree to this, but these are things I learned from being around a guys a lot, and well, they too, have their own standards on what kind of girls they want to end up with.

So do you want a gentleman that’s more like Mr. Darcy, or Mr. Grey?


The Worst August in Recent Memory, and Somehow It Started With You

I had the worst August in my recent history, and I know this because August is traditionally my “Me Month” and it’s supposed to be my only “non-emo” month every year. This year, August is consistently awful, I’m just glad I finally saw it to an end.

Not that September will be much better (I already know this is gonna be bad, it marked some pretty important dates).

The (not) funny thing is that August started bad. The month started bad, and I’ve been avoiding going out just to let the bad mojo pass me by.

It all started with a dream. A dream I’m not supposed to have anymore. A dream that was supposed to be over and done with. A dream that felt so real, I didn’t realize it was a dream until the sun was almost up.

That dream was you.

You and me, cuddling like we used to do all the time.

I woke up, went back to sleep, had a dreamless sleep, woke up, went to sleep again, and woke up again. (I have this sleep-wake cycle every night.) It took waking up thrice before I realized that it wasn’t a memory or a real event at all, and you can guess what happened next: I spent the entire half hour crying my eyes out because it’s been almost a year, I’m not supposed to be sentimental about those things anymore.

But you know what they say about those emotions:

First loves are stubborn little pricks that never die.

At first I thought it was a fluke, just a dream that needed to get out there, but apparently, that started a messy, messy month that I just wanted to be over and done with.

I waited until the sun has totally risen before going back to sleep. The dream of you in it was the equivalent of nightmares these days. Of course, I was already nursing a really bad headache, but fortunately, it was a holiday, so I didn’t have to go to work looking like a zombie.

I wished I had work that day instead, no matter how stressful work has been.

I still had to leave by lunch because it was errands day: I had a lot of them to run, and a dinner date with friends to get to.

But after dinner, I lost my wallet, several thousands in cash, my phone, my only valid ID, and to top it all off, I have to be on a flight for a long weekend in two days, which meant that I needed all those things with me.

For the first time in a really long time, I was broke. Did I still want to go on a vacation after that? No, but I needed it. Going on a vacation with considerably less money than you should have had means less fun, but I got to see my friends, which more than made up for it.

The day after I lost my wallet, I only went to work for half a day to process all the stuff I lost (The unfortunate thing is that when someone steals your wallet, you have to spend more money to get back the things that you need — blocking your cards and replacing them, getting an affidavit of loss for your ID (mine was my passport, so yeah, double fck), and get your phone replaced) and I somehow ended up crying at the mall. Yes, I had a meltdown and started crying at the mall.

Tired, pissed, hungry and broke are all ingredients for a bad day.

And all I could think of for those two days was that I should have just spent the day dwelling on everything that went wrong between us instead of going about, because every single time you pop up, everything in my world turns topsy-turvy and even though I haven’t spoken to you in months, you still somehow make a mess out of my life, and I should have known there would be consequences if I pretend that you didn’t affect me because damn my heart got ripped apart. So if you please, will you please get out of my head because nothing about you made things better for me, and truth be told, you were everything that was wrong in my life, no matter how much you meant to me.

This month was another proof of that, and I only wrote about how it started.

And September? Do not even get me started: The month of the cause I have been actively fighting for especially after what happened to you. The month that was supposed to be our anniversary. Instead, it marked another kind of anniversary for me: One year of singlehood.

Of course, again, as always it’s all about you.

God forbid something about me will actually be about me for a change.

So please if I could just sleep, can people just Wake Me Up When September Ends?

So this is what letting go feels like

Nine months. It took nine months to accept that my love life, or the nonexistence thereof, is the way it should be. It took me nine months to finally say I’m letting go, but here’s the thing, I may miss him a lot, but I may have let him go a long time ago without truly realizing it.

But now I can honestly swear that I’m over him and it. feels. wonderful.

Not that I don’t miss him from time to time because I still do, but you know what they say about first loves: they never die.

Here’s the thing though: Looking back on the past few months, I have actually been… happier. Which is weird, considering how I thought I lost the love of my life. But then, I finally decided to take a look back and here’s what I found:

1) I have a lot, and I mean a LOT of time to pursue the things I really want. There was a time when I forgot about my love for travel and spontaneity and reading and spending time alone because my world basically revolved around someone who I was trying to save when really, the only one who can save him is himself. It was exhausting trying to be someone’s own personal superhero to a bratty kid who thinks only of himself. And when his brattiness meets my own, let’s just say it’s not a pretty picture.

2) Being single is not that different from being in a long-distance relationship with someone who took what you had for granted, so really, nothing much has changed except for my Facebook relationship status. And also, that this time, I won’t have to worry about the text or call that never arrives because I don’t have to care if he passes out drunk or tries to off himself or whatever. It’s my life and it’s the only one I have to worry about, and with the things I want to do, my own problems are the only ones I want to deal with right now.

3) The dreams I had when I was with someone actually limited the dreams I wanted to pursue. Sure, being a lawyer and having our little family would have been great, and reasonable, but what about seeing the world, among other things? I’ve always wanted to go backpacking or going on a spontaneous trip somewhere. I never got to do that because he kinda overdid on the worrying during that time he cared and almost always overstepped his bounds when I went on night outs with friends, there was no way I would have been able to say “hey, I want to go to this random place I’ve never been to, wanna come?” because he would have freaked. Besides, I knew what he was gonna reply anyway: “I’m too busy, not now, maybe in a few years when I get time off from being a ___ student/practicing professional.”

Well fuck you, too.

At least now, I can go anywhere I want to go without needing anyone’s permission (because I just basically tell my parents I plan on going somewhere. I’m an adult, I don’t have to ask them if I can or cannot do something, as long as it’s reasonable.)

4) I have a lot of friends that I lost track with and needed some reaching out to do. Because when I was in a relationship, he was a VERY jealous guy and gets wary when I’m around other guys. I’m a bro at heart, so as a respect to the relationship, I had to stop hanging out with my guy friends all the time, and that includes texting, chatting, or speaking with them over the phone. Well now I can, and I can even tell my guy friends I love them without having to worry if someone else will go cray-cray.

5) The causes that I fight for may have stemmed from my relationship with him, but my passion for these causes (tiger conservation, suicide prevention, mental disorder awareness, etc.,) are really the things that I want to fight for, because there are so many good things in the world, and I will fight for the people who can’t fight for themselves if I have to. And no, I don’t mean in a brainless activist for the sake of being an activist kind of way.

letting-goOh and finally, I also realized: I can never be in a relationship with someone who couldn’t appreciate the wisdom of Antoine de Saint-Exupery. #JustSaying

So what does letting go of your first love feel like?


Absolutely, amazingly exhilarating. Oh, and as a definitive proof, I listened to “our” song last week and I didn’t cry. I actually even sang to it and didn’t realize until halfway through that it was “our” song. HAH.

So why am I NOT dating?

Give me a break. After all the drama, I’d like to concentrate on “ME” again. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually having fun. 🙂