Heartbreaking Nightmares

Today I fell down the rabbit hole. I haven’t been here in a long time, because see, for the most part, I thought I’m okay. Things happen, things end, things move on. That’s life, and I’ve long learned to accept that.

But the thing with burying something at the back of your mind does not guarantee that some random brain glitch will not dig it out while you’re asleep, and last night, that’s exactly what happened.



The circumstances that played out were barely logical. Even while I was inside that dream, I knew I was dreaming, and that nothing about it was real. The set-up, the conversation, the people in it — none of it would ever even remotely come together in real life. I could hear Lizzie McGuire playing in the background — the same series I was playing on my actual laptop in real-life because I never sleep with  no video on as a form of white noise. I was in a dream, I knew it, but the circumstances in that dream is an absolute nightmare that I really wish my brain did not go digging into.

But the thing is, even though I knew I was in a dream even as I was dreaming it — even though I knew that nothing like that even remotely happened, I still can’t get it out of my head and to confirm the dream state of it, I went down and fell into a rabbit hole that I avoided so much for the past three years.

I want so much to cry, but I told myself crying will not make it any less nightmarish or heartbreaking, and even if I can control what happens in my reality, I have no control over it in any way, shape, or form. I knew this much, and I want really to just be happy and accept what it was because it’s bound to happen sooner or later, but some things, especially those you wanted very badly for so long — some things will take a while to swallow.

I am not even coherent about what I’m ranting on and on here, and I wish I could explain without really explaining, but I can’t. Rabbit holes aside, I really kind of wish Gilderoy Lockhart is here to obliviate this one dream and one person from my mind.

And there, now you know what this is about.

Can I get my express train to Hogwarts now, please?


Pitting Women Against Women

*Or why the male ego is so vulnerable, they need to make women feel bad to make themselves feel good.

Whether it’s Barney Stinson “investing” on the fattie at the gym, or Joey Tribianni’s threesome fantasies with his own friends, or for crying out loud, Dan Humphrey’s “Gossip Girl” persona, there is something about the male ego that is so vulnerable that they need to make women feel bad to make themselves feel good.

For instance, when delivered properly, backhanded compliments sound sincere, until, of course, the female realizes there was a thinly veiled insult behind that. Sometimes, guys just lift the veil and outright compares one woman with another, as if it’s warranted.

I mean, it’s not like we tell them when we compare their penises to others, right? Because if we tell Chuck that Nate actually has a bigger thing than he does, but tell Nate that Chuck just uses his better, then we’re all just sluts.

Yet somehow it was okay for the Friends to tell Rachel she’s spoiled even though she was really just raised that way, and nobody bats an eyelash when everyone tells Blair she’s much too uptight for being ambitious while Serena floats through everything unscathed. Not that they would not hesitate to tell S that she needed more direction like B if it suited them, either.

Funny how the male species are always very critical of what they perceive is traditional “beauty”. You’re too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too bare, too caked in makeup, too casual, too dressy, too covered-up, too high-maintenance, too low-maintenance, too girly, too boyish — always compared with someone else. And will it ever stop?

Because honestly, they don’t seem to get the point that my attitude is inversely proportional to their personality — or the lack thereof considering how “big” of an attitude they always say I have.


I Ate My Heart Out in Singapore

I believe that food is the best way to learn about the culture of a new place. Because I usually travel locally, trying new food is not that much of a big deal — the Filipino people eat similar kinds of food from all over the archipelago. However, I still always find it interesting that there are differences. For instance, adobo in Mindanao has a thick soup, while in the Visayas region, it’s more of a thin sauce. (There’s a difference, I promise!)

When I first went to Singapore, I came with my parents and was subjected to family rules: mainly, I can’t explore the city on my own unless everyone else wants to go.  Also, my mom is not really into eating street food, which means that Hawker Centres are not high on the list.

Then I came back to Singapore with my friends, which meant that finally, I get to eat as I please, and the foodie in me was happy. For a while anyway, because I realized later on that my friends, despite being voracious eaters, don’t have adventurous taste buds.

Not that it stopped me from getting them to try, although I can never seem to get them to eat the frog. Anyway, since we were only in the Lion City for three days, I couldn’t get around to eating every single Singaporean dish they had to offer. So I went with my top five musts:

Chicken Rice


Does it look exactly like any other chicken dish? Yes. Does it taste better than other chicken dishes? Also, yes. Liao Fan Hong Kong Soya Sauce Chicken is a Michelin-starred restaurant, so that’s saying a lot regarding it’s quality. (The chicken is incredibly tender) Their set meals, which came with a canned drink only goes for S$5. It is said to go even cheaper at their original store at the Hawker centre, too.

Frog Porridge


Sorry for the photo, I ordered the frog porridge for takeaway, and white meat on white rice porridge just look bland in photos.

Anyway. My friends refused to take a bite out of the frog porridge. Interestingly, it tasted exactly like arroz caldo, which Filipinos tend to eat a lot of. Frog tasted like chicken, but more chewy, I suppose. I realized later on that I may have eaten some girl’s prince charming, and for that, I apologize (but she should have kissed the frog incarnate sooner).



Hearty, spicy noodle soup perfect for chilly days. Except that Singapore is a degree above the equator and it’s super hot out when we went there. Nonetheless, I love anything spicy, so I finished the entire bowl anyway. #NoRegrets, amirite?

Sambal Stingray


When I told my parents I ate stingray in Singapore, they went, “Why did you go to SG to eat stingray? There are stingrays here!”

Well, there are also blowfish in the Philippines but it doesn’t mean we know how to prepare them. We don’t prepare stingray at home, either. When asked how it tasted like, I love fish and it tasted exactly like fish to me. 😀 For non-fish fans, it’s actually pretty safe as a dish: it is soft and it does not have that fishy aftertaste. The sauce that went with it (spicy, but not hot) also added to the flavor.

Singaporean Chili Crab


Yum. I don’t usually eat a lot of crab because I find them tasking, but I would definitely not say ‘no’ to them if someone offers me the meat sans the shell. The sauce for the crab tasted a whole lot like Zamboanga’s Alavar sauce. However, I Googled recipes for the various sauces and I found that they are actually quite different! The chili crab sauce has ketchup, chili paste (duh), oyster sauce, soy sauce, and tamarind paste. Alavar sauce has a lot more ingredients that included turmeric, paprika, curry powder, and coconut milk.

Anyway, if you’re ever in Zamboanga, look for curachas served with Alavar sauce (not to be mistaken with cucarachas, which are cockroaches). The curachas taste amazing as soon as you get over their nightmarish look. (Check them out: http://bit.ly/2rZhJLv)

Meanwhile, here’s a fun fact about Singapura: According to a Reddit user, Merlions ate durian and hated it. They have been vomiting ever since.

Then we were molded by friends

Lately, I have been standing by this fork in the road, and it took a friend to nudge me in what I now believe is the right decision.

Here are some things you have to know about me: 1) Although I can talk to people easily these days, I am actually an introvert. 2) I am very selective of the people I want to be around with. 3) I do not like the feeling of spinning out of control.

That being said, I was talking to one of my college friends, Kat, who, despite our glaringly different stances on church and religion, is still one of the people whose friendship lasted past our university days. At this point, we’ve been apart far longer than we’ve been together geography-wise, and we may not barge in each other’s dorm rooms on a regular basis anymore but as it turns out, you don’t need that kind of “togetherness” to be someone’s friend.

Anyway, back to our conversation. It started with Kat’s birthday greeting. As it has become with our friend group, birthday greetings come attached with meaningful messages, many of which I tend to re-read when things are especially crappy.

In her message, Kat was expressing how she really just wants me to be happy again, and how she hopes other people can see the side of me that I rarely ever show others.

To that, I told her that I’m a good friend to her because she’s also been a really good friend to me. As I put it, good friends deserve good friends. Our friendships are mere reflections of the people we surround ourselves with. I am an amazing friend to my amazing friends. To others, I’m indifferent, or worse, a raging bitch.

My college friends, for the most part, were more than just friends to me. They’re family. We helped mold each other to become the people we became as we left our former lives behind. And leave it behind, I did.


Gossip Girl | The CW

Nur, who knew me since elementary school and who went to the same university as I did, noted that there was a moment when he knew I left the person I was behind. The big moment? When I hit the field for an inter-dorm game of football (soccer). While this may not seem like a big deal to most, my friends since forever (like Nur) knew how I stopped playing outdoors at age 10, and for most of my high school life, I kept to books and “heels” (at least as  high as my parents would allow me, which isn’t much), and ultimately girly things.

At some point over the years, I realized that while my friends and I were always a solid group, we tend to outgrow people. As we outgrow them, how we treat them changes as well. For instance, what used to be “quirky” just becomes annoying, and what used to be “adorable” just becomes plain dumb. You get the picture — so we tend to lose more patience, and we start to drift apart.

For the past few years, I have been telling myself that I should get rid of toxicity. Maybe it’s out of habit, but letting go of toxic people is more difficult than it sounds. Maybe because I have friends of convenience, or because I am holding on to people who represented a life from long ago, toxicity is not as easy to leave behind.


In Re: Marawi Siege

Please do not let your ignorance get ahead of you. These terrorists are not Muslims, these terrorists are terrorists.

Don’t say you don’t care about what’s happening in Marawi. Don’t say that Maranaos deserved it for being a Muslim community, and for fuck’s sake don’t you dare say “okay lang, di naman ako kasali sa gulo.”



Photo: Inquirer

Because this is not an attack on religion — they are not Islams as they claim because Islam is a religion of peace. No true Muslim would support such violation of church and of the people. This is the time to hold our ground — Christians, Muslims, and heck, even Atheists alike should unite to stop such form of terrorism.

Because this is not an attack on Marawi and its people, this is an attack on all people. As a Filipino, as a HUMAN for crying out loud — you too, should be outraged by what they are doing in Marawi because if tables were turned, what if these terrorists are where you are now? Their lack of respect for life, for religion, and for rules of warfare will translate the same. You should be outraged for the Maranaos, with the Maranaos.

Because saying “mabuti lang sa kanila ‘yun,” and “pake ko ba wala naman akong kilala dun” says more about your ignorance and extremist ideals than it does the Maranaos. This line of thinking makes you similar to the terrorists laying siege upon civilians and innocent people. And yes, there is that line in the sand. If you are not one with Marawi at this point, then you are, essentially, part of the problem of this country.

If you believe in a deity — offer a prayer for peace, and ask your God to keep Marawi, Mindanao, the Philippines, and the whole world safe.

If you don’t, then offer help. Offer kindness. Offer hope. This is not the time for blaming — not the government, not the civilians, not the region, and certainly not the religions. This is not the place nor the time for hate. This is the time for hope. This is the time for love.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
– 1 Corinthians 13:13