I feel melancholic these days

I know I haven’t written in a while…

Mostly because I feel melancholic. Not sad, just — I don’t know. I wish I’m not so far away from my best friends. I mean, yes, I love my Cebu friends, but there are some people, you know, who were with me during my most troubled times and I wish I can just poke them awake or go up to their rooms, or call them for breakfast or lunch or take them out for a long walk — those days were the ones when I felt most centered.

I am spinning.

I’m not sure what’s happening. I mean, salary aside (HA!) I am pretty content with my life. I like being able to do what I want, I like having time to explore other things. (I mean, this year, I already went to more yoga classes than I did in the last three years!)

But for most of the time, I feel melancholic and I just wish my best friends are here. A tirade of why I feel the world is on my shoulders just don’t make for good conversation when we’re all trying to find ways to get our life on track and when we’re all just trying to keep going.

I am in free fall.

Sometimes I just want to escape — things can’t be too bad in other patches of the same Earth, right? This isn’t my rock-bottom, it’s just that I am no longer emotionally charged. I am too tired to care about everything else. I want to jump to free fall and feel my body crash in the ocean. That would be exhilarating if I were’t so scared of heights.

 

Or maybe I’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy.

Too much dark and twisty there.

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Kicking and Screaming

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This is how school (and everything else) feels like…and I’m the upside-down one who had it in over her head.

I spent the past few weeks kicking and screaming — some days are just so bad, that you just need to cry your heart out and even then,  the buckets of tears can’t fix things. For three weeks, I was at a breaking point. I have gone from crying into my pillow, to desperately calling my best friends at random hours so that I could calm down. At some point, I started wishing for something — maybe a sedative, to help me get to sleep. Tossing and turning at night when you have several hundred pages of statutes, cases, and annotations to read is not good for you.

Some days, it got so bad that I felt like drowning.

At one point or another, I cracked just enough for my brother to notice that something’s off, so I had to pull myself together – you know, the art of pretending is not that easy to perfect when you’re stressed and your social life and love life are both in shambles.

I did  not succumb to drinking, so I guess that’s a plus. I mean, I’ve never been a big drinker, but I usually have my own stock of alcohol, and I did not touch the strawberry daiquiri in my fridge (not that it was even that good).

What got me through the dark days? The fact that there are silver linings and brighter tomorrows, and at the end of all the bad days, there will be good ones that you just have to wait out…and believe me, the good ones will be really good, because when you have had as many bad days as I did, you will learn to cherish sunshine-bright ones.

And yesterday, I did — met up with a lot of friends I haven’t caught up with in awhile, got some Happy Meal Minions that can’t help but brighten anyone’s day, and a good evening in school.

So, am I going to expect that the rest of the days will be better? Not really. I might have another bad day tomorrow. But you know what? Even if I will, another good day will come, and that’s going to be something to look forward to.

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Bad days come, but you can also be sure that after them are good days, even great ones.